Archive for the ‘angst’ Category

So how am I doing on the path of Health At Every Size? Size acceptance? Self love?

If you had asked me a few months ago I would have said I’m doing fine…just a little concerned about some weight gain. Because isn’t weight gain always a concern?! Weight has been a concern since childhood.

Then I lost the scale. And I was frantic. I knew it was in the bedroom somewhere. Jim had cleaned out under the bed and didn’t replace everything exactly as it was. So the scale was lost somewhere under there with the containers of gift wrap and Jim’s workout clothes.

I told Jim he had to find it. “Because if I don’t have the scale how do I know whether to hate myself?”

I laughed. I always laugh and make jokes. Even when I don’t feel like it. Better to laugh at myself or the situation than let someone do it first or to feel uncomfortable.

But something inside me stopped because I knew I wasn’t joking. How can I exist without knowing the exact number on the scale on any given day?!

Hate myself. Did I really hate myself because of a number? On a scale? Was one pound either way worth hateful feelings? Would I hate my family or friends for the number on the scale? Of course not! Their numbers don’t matter! But mine…

I thought I was farther along in the HAES journey. I thought I was long passed the scale-as-judge phase. But I wasn’t. I had started weighing myself again because of the weight gain. My rheumatologist told me to watch the weight. My internist suggested weight loss surgery. Of course my mind has been on the scale! That damn number…

I’m trying to get over the number. I’m trying not to weigh myself. I want to throw away the scale…but I can’t. I don’t know why I’m hanging on to it.

That’s where I am. Stuck trying to go beyond the scale but still watching over my shoulder to make sure I don’t get to far away from it. I understand that this is something a lot of people experience. I’ve been told it’s hard to get over the years and years of accumulated messages about weight loss and death fat. Still, I thought I was further along…

I wasn’t even going to write about this. I thought no one needed to hear my whining. Then I saw Golda Poretsky’s TED Talk on weight. It inspired me to share my stumble. Just in case any of you are feeling the same way.

Because we really are more than a number on a scale. We really are people and not just bodies. It really is inside that matters. And weight does not equal health.

If you’re struggling, talk to me. If you’re not struggling any more, talk to me. If you don’t think you’re gorgeous, talk to me–because you are dammit!

 

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Last week the verdict for Jodi Arias came in, and I was waiting on pins and needles. Would she be guilty? Would she be acquitted? If guilty, what charge? I checked my phone. I was glued to the HLN website when I wasn’t at home glued to the HLN channel. At night I watched Nancy Grace and Dr. Drew.

Then I saw the verdict being read. I cried. I grew sad for us as a people.

There was something so primal and disturbing about the chanting outside the Maricopa County courthouse. Americans chanting for death. It was surreal. We see this from foreign countries, from faraway lands. It’s not supposed to happen in the middle of our own country. I grew afraid for the jury if they happened to make the “wrong” decision. Would the crowd outside attack them?

I felt the same way after the Casey Anthony verdict. People were so opinionated and full of vitriol. I knew the jury didn’t take their task lightly. No jury does. Sure you probably have a group of people who would rather be somewhere–anywhere–else. But they are told again and again–even before the trial begins–that they have a responsibility to be partial and fair. Without prejudice.

Something the frothing crowd of chanting Americans was not full of.

When the verdict was read, I felt no glee. I felt nothing but grief and horror for both families. Travis Alexander’s family and friends lost him years ago. Hopefully they have some relief and can start on the road to healing. I hope their positive loving memories eventually eclipse the ones of the Travis that was presented to the nation in a court of law.

It’s Jodi’s family that is left with the debris of this entire mess. Jodi’s personality disorder means she’s self-centered and self-serving. She has no concern for the grief she has rained down upon two families. Jodi’s parents are left with the image of people chanting for their daughter’s death. Inside, they must be blaming themselves. They are wondering what they did wrong. Going through every moment of Jodi’s childhood, they are trying to pinpoint the one mistake they made that can explain all of this.

Did they yell when they should have hugged? Were they fed up with her behavior and offered consequences? It doesn’t matter. Chances are they will suffer the guilt of Travis’ death more than their daughter. It will be a long time until they can walk through their town without feeling self-conscious.

I hope the Arias family finds peace. I hope that Jodi’s parents come to realize that they can’t be responsible for their grown daughter’s actions in this case. Nothing they did when Jodi was eight, 12, 15, or 25 made her commit murder. That responsibility is on her own shoulders. It was her choice. Her actions.

More than anything, I hope I never see Americans chanting for anyone’s death ever again.

 

Last week I was lucky enough to be invited to participate in a discussion about chronic complaining on HuffPostLive. (Here’s a link if you missed it.)

I thought a lot about why people complain. As was discussed in the conversation, women seem to do the most complaining, but men aren’t immune. It seems we’ve become a nation of complainers.

I don’t think we are bad people. We all want to be the best we can be with what we have at hand.

But, we have everyone and everything conspiring against us, telling us we are never enough and never will be without buying whatever product they are hawking.

For instance, we are being told that we might see Mr. Right, but we won’t meet him if our teeth aren’t white enough. So people everywhere are walking around with nuclear white teeth. That’s not normal. According to my dental hygienist you don’t want your teeth to be whiter than the whites of your eyes. It seems like a good rule of thumb and more people should take her advice.

A cereal seller tells us that we are fabulous and amazing, but will be even better when we eat their product for two weeks and lose an inch. Really, I’m amazing…with constraints? What does that even mean? How many people are rushing out to start the cereal diet because it’s almost swimsuit season?

You can’t wear a swimsuit unless you have a perfect body. Of course any diet company will be happy to tell you how to get that body by purchasing their programs, their foods, their products, and blaming any failure on the consumer. And we listen, completely ignoring the “results not typical” lines flashing by at the speed of light. They don’t want us to know that long-term weight loss is a myth.

Men will get women and cars if they drink certain types of alcohol. They get better jobs if they carry a certain cell phone. They’ve known a long time that the perfect car is the answer to all their life desires.

Mothers know that it’s the juice you serve and the vitamins you stock that measure your worthiness of raising a child.

See, it’s everywhere. We’re never allowed to just be..be content, be happy, be responsible, be frugal. We’re always being told that by not spending, buying new, buying often, buying the right thing we will never be happy.

So the right answer to solving the nation’s complaining problem is to stop listening to the advertisers. They do not have our best interests at heart. Not even medical studies are immune from influence when they are being funded by the very corporations that benefit from them. Turn off the commercials. Stop reading magazines. Ignore the ads cluttering up your email screen.

Despite what we have drilled into our psyches day in and day out, what matters is what’s on the inside. Try being genuine and kind. Helping a neighbor will always beat the type of flooring you have in your home. Learn what out of control consumerism does to our resources. What are we doing to our environment with our more more more lifestyles?

People benefit from our constant complaining. Yes, the people who are getting rich on our dissatisfaction that we didn’t know we had until they told us. What a vicious circle…

 

It’s taken me awhile, but I have figured out politics. I think.

See, I’ve been giving the political system and politicians to darn much credit.

That’s why I was honestly completely and absolutely shocked when the Republican party thought Sarah Palin was a valid candidate for vice president back in 2008. Her gosh-dark-oh-shucks attitude had me stumped. Yes, she is attractive, but has our nation gotten to the point that the political arena has morphed into a beauty contest? For god’s sake, she referred to her husband as the “First Dude.”

I want politicians who are more intelligent than me. Better public speakers than me. Sarah does that tongue click thing that so annoying. That’s why in junior high we made fun of our school librarian! We were young teens and recognized that was not a good thing. I can’t see how it’s OK for a politician.

I kept waiting for the Republican party to laugh and tell us it was a joke and produce a viable candidate for vice president. You know, the person who will step into the President’s shoes should something happen. Yeah, that person.

But they never did. They kept her till the end and then acted all surprised when President Obama was elected. I imagine the head Republican honchos waking up the next morning, muttering over their coffee, pulling at their hair, determined to never make the same mistake again.

The scary thing about all of this: if Sarah Palin was a viable candidate then so am I, my neighbors, you, your neighbors. She set the bar really really low for Republicans.

I was willing to give them some wiggle room, though. I thought Sarah was an anomaly.  But she isn’t. She’s actually a clear representative of today’s politicians. Yes, she might actually be the cream of the crop which is why the Republican party ended up choosing her to run in the first place.

In the day of instant news, a camera and video camera in every phone, nothing is secret any more. So we have had quite a show lately listening to actual elected officials vocalizing their complete miseducation about the female body (remember raped women don’t get pregnant…) and offering relief for poor children (make them work, even if they miss class…). Those stories were drawn from the mouths of actual political people.

States are utilizing misinformation to educate our children about sex (birth control causes cancer, abortions cause cancer…) and science (creationism, anyone?). All under the tutelage of politicians. I thought pronouncing ketchup a vegetable (wouldn’t it really be a fruit?!) was a stretch for Ronald Reagan. But since it is actually made from a real food, I’ll give him that one. But fake science being taught to our children? That’s just plain ignorance…especially since the information is so easily refuted by one Google session.

There’s media battles when politicians get all angry when tapes of their conversations get released. I mean, would you want the world to know you’re willing to go after an opponent’s past mental illness? Or that it’s news that some Republicans don’t think Rush Limbaugh is a good ally?

The stories are endless about the idiocy of Congress. Ninety per cent of the people wanted gun control so Congress refused to pass it. They’ve made it very clear that they no longer represent the American people, but the National Rifle Association (aka NRA). How do we know this? Recent donations from the NRA to congressman was well-documented. So not only are the politicians unintelligent, they are also greedy liars.

Does it scare you as much as it scares me that we have given political control to complete imbeciles? I’m sorry, that might be harsh, but it’s true for many of them. Maybe it’s time some of you regular people start thinking about running for office.

Because something has to give in Washington and the solution might be you!

Time for some more Jodi Arias chat. This time who cares about Jodi? Frankly, she’s the least important person at this point in the trial.

The defense has rested and the prosecution is introducing rebuttal witnesses. Yesterday, a former girlfriend of Travis Alexander took the stand. I believe Deanna Reid was there to salvage any damage done to Travis’ reputation through the defense’s case and accusations.

Juan Martinez, the prosecutor, asked her various questions about her relationship with Alexander. What was revealed was that he was a pretty nice guy. Yes, they were  lovers at one time. Since this isn’t allowed in their religion (Mormonism) they repented and continued with their relationship. According to Reid, she and Alexander were friends until he was murdered.

Through her testimony, Martinez was able to show Alexander in a different light than that presented by the defense. Alexander wasn’t verbally nor physically abusive. He was an attentive, caring partner. When Reid broke up with him (she was ready for marriage and he wasn’t) Alexander cried. At the end of Reid’s testimony Alexander seemed like a decent guy.

Reid was a great witness. She was steady. She answered the questions that were asked. Her high opinion of Alexander was communicated clearly.

Completely unrelated to the case: Reid looks exactly like a school mom friend of mine. Which might explain my discomfort with her treatment by defense lawyer, Kirk Nurmi.

Nurmi spent his time with Reid repeating every dirty, sexually explicit comment made by Alexander to Arias. He did it with such glee, it was unnerving! No wonder defense lawyers have such bad reputations!

The thought that kept going through my mind was that he was really getting off saying these things out loud to a stranger. He was like an obscene phone caller with a captive audience!

I won’t even repeat the questions, because I don’t want to offend anyone. I think you can handle my occasional salty language (dammit!) but I don’t think you need to hear the details of Alexander/Arias sex life. The least offensive term bandied about was Alexander’s reference to Arias as a “three-hole wonder.” (We should discuss this at another time…)

I know the defense team has to do what they can to save their client from a guilty verdict and a death-penalty sentence. But attacking a witness for the prosecution seems counter productive. It reeks of desperation. And Nurmi’s performance was just downright creepy…disturbing… I hope the jury feels the same and remembers this when they begin deliberations.

I wonder why defense attorney Jennifer Wilmott didn’t do Reid’s cross? What do you think? Did you see it?

Remember a few posts ago when I said we aren’t real enough on the Internet? How everyone promotes these picture perfect lives that make everyone else regret their own lives? Well, I’m combating that fakery with stories of my own reality. Here we go…

I got scammed.

Yup, I did.

I’m always looking for ways to earn money from the computer. I’m on it enough, it should be giving something back to my family. When the offer to drive an advertising car around town came, I wasn’t surprised. I remotely remember filling out some type of questionnaire about that months back. I don’t keep track of everything I apply for, figuring when something comes through I’ll start record-keeping at that point.’

It was a perfect opportunity. Drive the turbo mini van about the neighborhood, sporting vinyl ads for an energy drink. They would pay me a crap load of money and my student loans would be taken care of for the year. I was ready to jump at the chance.

The deal was to take the check they messengered to me, deposit it, take out my fee, and use the rest to pay the graphic designer for providing the vinyl decals. I know, right there I should have known, right?! But these people weren’t from some foreign country with a wealthy dead relative…

They messengered the check over and started texting me about getting in touch with the designer for application. I took the check to the bank and asked how long it would take to clear. Why I asked that, I don’t know. The bank told me it would be at least five days since the bank it was drawn on was in Georgia. Fine with me, I wasn’t touching the money until the check cleared.

Less than a week later, I received a phone call from the bank. The woman from the fraud department was in a panic, wondering if I had withdrawn any of the money. She was relieved to hear I hadn’t and explained that the check was counterfeit and the whole thing was a scam.

Unfortunately, that was the end of the story. I offered her phone numbers and email addresses of the people responsible, and she said they would have been changed/closed already so they were worthless.

I. Fell. For. A Scam.

I thought I was jaded enough to not have it happen. But it was real enough that I thought it was legitimate. Luckily, I was also astute enough to realize my butt was on the line for the money if the check didn’t clear.

Jim had been questioning the whole thing from the beginning because he knew the companies who really do use drive-around advertising have mileage and route requirements. The same day the bank called, I received an email from the alleged brand welcoming to their team. It was filled with spelling and grammar errors, enough that if my alarm bells weren’t already rung, they would have been clanging loud and clear.

Keep your eyes open, your wits about you, and don’t fall for any scams like this! The scammers are devilish in their approaches! (Seriously, the messengered check via the United States Postal Service was a nice touch!)

We hear it all the time, blondes have more fun. Well, I’m now blonde and I haven’t been having any fun. I’m just living life and feeling very…exposed.

I decided to go blonde because my grey/white outgrowth (I once worked with a former hairdresser who became quite agitated when I referred to it as “roots” and stressed that it was “outgrowth”) has been disturbing me. Dark reddish hair…with a skunk stripe. Not very attractive, really. When Kelly suggested going blonde, I thought it was brilliant. It would solve the problem.

I had visions of a nice golden cascade of hair. The grey would be camouflaged. I would be lovely.

I do have blonde hair. But it has a yellow tone I wasn’t expecting. Because the hair had been dyed so dark, the previous color had to be lifted. It’s actually a cool color…that would seem appropriate for a starlet or a teenager.

But on me, I just feel exposed. Suddenly, I realize I had been hiding for years. Going grey meant I was invisible. No one pays attention to old women. Then I went dark again and it was still safe.

Now I feel like people are looking at me. Looking. Judging.

Plus, I’m not having fun. My cousin Keri told me I have to make my own fun. Frankly, I’m to tired. And irritable. It’s been a rocky time in KlineLand. Yes, SusieLand might be a sunny happy place, but KlineLand is filled with angst.

I’m looking for ways to have fun. Any suggestions?! Plus I need a new lipstick to go with the new hair…

 

Recent political angst has Senator Mitch McConnell and some of his people up in arms because of a meeting discussing a possible campaign involving actress Ashley Judd. Someone taped said meeting. And a reporter got the tape. And now McConnell’s all whiny and conspiracy-spewing against the people who have told the truth about the meeting.

Apparently McConnell doesn’t want anyone to know what a vile human being he is. He and his people were discussing ways to beat Judd. Mostly, they planned on attacking her battles with mental illness and her religion.

Who’s the best candidate for the people of Kentucky? I have no idea. But I am sick to death of all politicians being idiots and then crying foul when they get caught.

Let’s look back at Richard Nixon and the Watergate scandal. Which happened in 1973. Then President Nixon’s own secret recordings implicated him and his staff in a break-in of Democratic headquarters. What is the lesson to be learned here? Do not secretly tape anything! Wait, let’s make that do not tape anything. Ever. No recordings allowed.

But will the politicians learn their lesson? Probably not. As is evidenced by political behavior day in and day out, you do not need to be a person of high intelligence to be an elected official. So the next person will go on to tape meetings and then get all playground-whiny when they get caught. It probably wouldn’t be so bad if they were recording themselves being helpful and insightful. Inevitably, it will be another nitwit plotting dirty politics or waxing poetic as she observes Russia from her patio in Alaska.

Ultimately, whose fault is it that these people continue to serve us politically? We, the voters. We need to hold them to higher standards. We need to stop making excuses. We need to stop letting them get away with behavior we wouldn’t accept from our toddlers. Once we show them that we have standards that we expect them to meet, maybe they’ll change.

For now, maybe all electricity should be turned off around politicians. It would save them from secret recordings, titillating tweets, and Facebook frou frou. 

 

Lately, I’ve been caught up believing that everyone but me has The Perfect Family. While my family is inundated with problems and angst, other parents tweet their children’s unending stream of age-advanced adorable chatter. Other parents let us know that each of their children has an iPhone and an iPod…and they’re all under 10. The news features stories about tweens who raise funds for deadly illnesses.

Intellectually, I know there is no perfect family. They don’t exist. Each and every family is plagued with something negative. It’s how life works.

Some parents adore their children and abhor each other. Some parents aren’t really happy being parents. Some couples want children and don’t have any. Some families have great relationships with each other, but are forced to live in a car.

That’s why I think bloggers should have an absolute truth day. Weekly–okay monthly–we should vow to share something negative that happened in our homes and how we handled it. We could even open it up for suggestions how others would have handled it.

But I know that won’t happen. For the same reason I enjoy a movie or a book with a happy ending; because I don’t want to focus on the negative or it’s aftermath.

Maybe this is why comedians are often the unhappiest of people. At least that’s the word on the street. They’ve just learned to hide the bad by covering it up with laughter.

But if anyone thinks an absolute truth day would be helpful, leave a comment and I’ll get back to you. Maybe sometimes it’s just right to address the bad along with the good. Because that’s how life works.

 

Years ago when I was a Stampin’ Up! demo, I turned the front closet into a craft area. I drifted from stamping, into other crafts, and the closet became a catch-all for all things craft. Since it’s spring break and I am not stressed out enough with Aaron home for 9 days straight, I decided to go through everything in the closet and combine it with the other craft supplies in the craft armoire (I’ve got a lot of craft supplies; there is also a glass studio in the garage) to get the closet back again. Our coats and the vacuum cleaner really need a home.

I worked for over four hours today. I have boxes for charity and tons of organizing bins for them too. Tomorrow we’ll make a run to the Salvation Army store and gift them with all the things I don’t want any more.

Somewhere along the way, I decided that cheap stencil brushes, pens, and little note pads were eventually going to be extinct and I stocked up. Wow, did I stock up.

As for stamping, I can tell you that ink pads and markers last years without being used. I will not need to get any more supplies for my new bout of stamping. Yeah, I went to Archiver’s and took a color techniques class last week. Rubber stamping and water colors…the perfect marriage of my art supplies.

Tomorrow I’m sorting through the rubber stamps and paring down. Maybe I’ll work on some of the projects I left abandoned. It could be fun!

What are you doing on spring break? I hope you’re having more fun than I am!

PS I’ll be having a sale…need any craft supplies?!