Image: Jonathan Fitch / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was inspired by Cornfield Queer’s blog post about the adventures of the Octomom in the porn industry. And what it would be like to one of her children.

I had no idea this was happening, because I do not watch mainstream TV. I am addicted to USA, Chiller, and Sleuth. They don’t waste time on such inane things.

Then I further veered off-track as I was forced to do my porn name. You know…you’ve done it a million times. Combine the names of the street you grew up on and your first pet. Voila! You have a porn name!

Usually I go with Fluffy Elm. Not that it’s not a spectacularly wonderful porn name! I imagine Fluffy Elm would be quite the busy little pornstress.

But I was driven to use the actual names. Not the street one house over and not my favorite childhood pet. Instead, my genuine porn name is Spunky Seventeen. OK, really it’s Seventeen Spunky, but it works so much better the other way.

I know, you’re thinking, “Susie…”

“Spunky…”

“Spunky, that whole porn name thing is so yesterday.”

I know that. And that’s why it’s really tickling me that I am finding it so amusing!

I even Googled it to see if anyone uses it. Nope. If anyone wants to use it, please reference me in all uses. For instance, “Starring Spunky Seventeen, as coined by Susie Kline.” Thank you.

So I got entirely too caught up in the porn name to really give much thought to the pornstress having off-spring that might be embarrassed by her pornstress ways. I know my kids have no idea what my porn star name would be, so there is no danger of them Googling “Spunky Seventeen” and being embarrassed. Honestly, so little of what I have to be embarrassed about has ever been caught on film.

I am concerned that the mother of a gazillion has to stoop so low to support her family. It’s one thing to be starring in porn to support yourself. I, for one, like to believe that we live in a world where you do such silly things pre-children. Have your fun, frolicking about the porn set, dabbling in recreational drugs, drinking a little too much. Before you have kids.

I know she’ll make a load of money making this movie. Maybe I would be tempted to do the same, just to pay off my student loans. I, however, have standards. (And no offers on the table!)

Still, I can’t help but feel sorry for her. Obviously, being the “Octomom” has not been as lucrative as she originally thought. Raising a cajillion kids takes a lot of money. Day care is expensive for one child, much less eight plus! Diapers…bottles…formula… Oh my!

Surely there are better ideas. For the sake of the children. I mean, Oprah, I know I’m not a fan and I shouldn’t be taking your name in vain, but couldn’t you give the Octomom a reality show on your OWN network? Couldn’t she write a column for O, your completely-non-egotistical magazine? Doesn’t E need another faux celebrity a la the Kardashians to make famous? M-TV has “Teen Mom,” why not “Octomom”?

I bet if we all think real hard, we’ll come up with a great way to save this woman from a life of porn. We would be doing the right thing, saving her children from the inevitable embarrassment that is sure to come.

C’mon, what are your ideas?

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