This post is dedicated to Juliana over at Kernut the Blonde. She’s been sharing her Match.com escapades, which is surely why I paid so much attention to these people…
Sunday I took the twins to lunch. Since they are 18 years old, there wasn’t a lot of chatting going on. Mostly the sounds of forks burrowing through giant burritos as they enjoyed their meal. I’m not complaining though, because it gave me the opportunity to eavesdrop on the couple at the next table.
Yes, I will eavesdrop on your conversation in public. I will also look in the windows of your house at night. I don’t do the latter because I am a voyeur, but because I want to see how you’ve decorated your living room. I need help with mine.
Back to the couple at lunch. They were older…probably 50-ish. They came to my attention because of his behavior while the wait staff rearranged a table for us. In the middle of clearing tables, separating them, and cleaning them, he asked to be waited on. Repeatedly. Really?! People were busy! It wasn’t as if he were asking for attention from someone standing to the side looking at his fingernails. No, he asked the man who was physically moving a table to take their order.
That put him right in my jerk radar. And, truth be told, it was down hill from there.
One of the first things he said that got my attention: I don’t believe life is a destination, but a journey.
What?! Do people really say those things out loud? To another human being? To a woman you are trying to impress?! The quote has been so overused by life-coach wanna-bes that it is basically meaningless. I mean, when people start buying greeting cards with that imprinted inside, it’s overused.
I smiled inside.
Over and over, he insisted that the goal of life is happiness, not success. My interpretation: he’s not well-off financially and is pretending that it doesn’t matter. Which, it really doesn’t. I hope people in my little suburb aren’t out looking for Sugar Daddies. At a Mexican restaurant. On a Sunday afternoon. I assume there are places that such a hook up might be more feasible.
Still, he was a little too insistent. My guess: credit card debt out the wazzo, perhaps some alimony and child support payments also.
I’ll give him a pass on his thoughts on golf. We all can’t be Tiger Woods. Still, the fact that he and his friends bet $2 for the front nine, $2 for the back nine, and $4 for the whole eighteen really didn’t impress me. Lordy, at least bet for drinks or something! Don’t turn it into a lesson: “It’s called a Nassau…you know, like the Bahamas.”
I know all my attention was spent on the man. He was the loudest. The woman seemed a little wide-eyed. Perhaps it was her first date since her divorce. She didn’t have the first-date chatter down like the man across the table from her.
Eventually, she talked. And every few words the man would interrupt her to say, “Oh no, that’s not the right way to do it.”
That’s when I wanted to lean over and whisper–very loudly–“get out now! Run!”
She handled it very well. Much better than I would have, anyway. But even Saint Dately was getting a little flabbergasted as the end of the meal neared. I finally heard her say through forced laughter when she was corrected once again, “I know!”
He was full of himself. She was trying too damn hard to be nice.
Watching this made me glad I am not dating now. Because my pool of eligible men would be this man and his clones. I don’t think I could be as nice as Saint Dately because just listening to him made me uber stabby!
When I heard him asking her if being in a relationship would make her happy–ok, he did it like this: “I heard you say a lot of different things make you happy, but you never mentioned being in a relationship. Why not?”–I wanted to hold an intervention right there. I wanted to tell her to go find someone fun. Someone who laughed at least once during the meal. Someone who didn’t enjoy letting her know how wrong she was about so many things.
Maybe that’s my hang-up. Maybe she’s not looking for a grown man who can still act like a kid.
Still, I bet his car was the one illegally parked closest to the door so he could avoid getting his comb-over wet in the rain…