I think everyone has a time of the year that hits them hard. Usually it’s the anniversary of something unpleasant and the memories of the event come rolling back to zap us yet again. Mine happens in April.
It was during this month that I lost something precious. I didn’t necessarily do it for myself, but for other people who thought it was the right decision. They were wrong. I’ve never been comfortable with my choice. But I live on.
Yet, April comes and knocks me on my ass. Memories come flowing back. You would think after 22 years that the memories would be softened somehow by the passing time. But they aren’t. They are still crystal clear and the reactions to them are still razor sharp.
This month I will cry. I will cry to Jim and he will hold me and not say anything because there are no words. He wasn’t there. He can’t fix it. He doesn’t try. But he understands that there is a part of me that is an empty hole that no one can ever fill.
This month I will make some change to our lives. Sometimes it’s getting a new dog or cat. Sometimes it’s a big home improvement project. Jim doesn’t fight it (anymore). He just does it. He knows that this is my way of filling the hole. It will work for 11 months, but then next April will roll around and it needs filling again.
I carry hate for people who influenced me to make decisions I wasn’t prepared to make. I know hate isn’t a good emotion. I try not to. But I hate them for their condescending attitudes. It’s a hate that is buried deep, but can rear it’s ugly head at anytime. I’ve never admitted that before. I actually feel better saying I hate them. I hate them. I don’t like that I hate them. But I do.
Luckily April only has 30 days. It could be worse and have 31. May first will come and I will feel reborn. I will take a deep breath and soldier on with life. I will still hurt, but its knife blade will be blunted. I will still wonder when I will stop hating myself…