I’m suddenly getting into makeup. Not long ago I was a beauty consultant for a makeup company. I wore some of their makeup. Then I joined a Facebook group full of women who know a lot about makeup and now I’ve got the bug.
But let me tell you, it’s one thing to pass some internet “classes” to become a certified beauty consultant and quite another to know what to actually do. There are all these mystery potions and creams. BB. CC. Eye shadow. Eye liner. Brow makeup.
No wonder a girl is so confused.
My previous makeup routine was pretty lame. Most days = wear nothing. Special days = wear eye makeup. That’s the easy stuff right?
The women in the group started talking about brushes. The right tools, blah blah blah.
Monday, in preparation for lunch with my mother in law, I broke out the brushes. They’re not the best. I got them in a freebie bag from Ulta. But they’re so cute! And lethal as hell!
First, I used an eye primer. This stuff is supposed to help your eye shadow look freshly applied all day.* I got a sample of some and applied it to my eye lids. I had seen a video where the girl applied it to the lid and the under eye area. Suddenly, I had these bumps under my eyes I had never seen before. I had reptile skin! The eye primer revealed that I have reptile skin. I’m not sure I’m a fan of the eye primer, kids.
I pull out my new Urban Decay eye shadow kit. Yes, right off the bat I’m jumping into Urban Decay. It’s all because of the lip stick…but that’s another post. Anyway, I got out the eye shadow of bright wonderful colors, grabbed what I assume is an eye shadow brush, and…
Poked myself right in the frikkin eye. Poke. Jab. Jam. Now my eye lid is blotched with teal green. My eye ball is leaking copious amounts of fluid (which is a miracle since I have dry eye and rarely have decent tears). And it hurts!
I do my best to clean everything up. I get the leaking under control. Good thing I wasn’t wearing foundation or anything because it would have been trashed.
I get the color spread on the lids. Deciding that it’s getting a little complicated, I limit myself to one color even though I am looking at six colors. Why tempt fate and add another color to the mix? One color nearly blinded me.
Once my eyes are colored and lined, I add the finishing touch: mascara. What happens? I jam that mascara wand right into the same eye. Bop! Those little metal brushes hurt. Now I have blue eye lids smudged with black goo and more black goo running down my cheeks. Once again, the wisdom of avoiding foundation does not elude me. My eyes are also, miraculously, watering again.
I don’t know why I decided to go with brushes. I’m a novice! I’m not ready for the big time. Brushes are for people who know what they are doing.
Luckily I pulled myself together enough that I looked good enough for lunch. I just pretended I was going with a day time smokey eye. Yeah, that’s the story… If anyone noticed the one blood shot eye, they didn’t mention it. That’s manners, people!
*The eye primer did it’s job. That eye shadow didn’t budge until I took it off. If only there was something to do about the reptilian bumps…